I feel as if I am in a desert place……
Today as the family was fishing Paul told Eliana a story of fear. Eliana did not want to touch the worms we were fishing with, and so we made her. She cried the entire way from my side to Paul’s side with this worm in her hand. She was so fearful of what this worm might do to her. I sit listening to Paul tell her about how she should not be afraid or fear the things that we have told her to do.
He started telling her of when Moses sent the spies into Canaan. He told her that even though God had given them this land they were fearful and were afraid of what lied on the other side. The giants and other things that they could possibly face feared them. Paul told her that if they had obeyed they would have been able to face there fears and overcome them with Gods help. Instead they had to live there life in the desert for 40 years. The only people who were allowed into the land that God had given to them were two people who had obeyed despite what others had said. Paul told her that if they had obeyed they would have been able to have what God had promised them. In the same way we are to obey our parents because God rewards those who obey their parents. This concept seem to sit well with her and she was not afraid of the worm.
As he was telling her this though the thought of the land Paul and I were going to buy came into my mind. Did I disobey God by telling Paul all of my fears of this land? Did I now make it to where Paul and I will not see the “promise land” due to my non willingness to face my fears with Paul and my God? Did I think that these fears where so big that God could not handle them? I find my self thinking of these over and over today wondering if I didn’t mess things up again with my fears. I know that God can use us for His glory, but the question lies in did I give up His perfect will for a will of my own? It makes me wonder what I did or didn’t do because of my fear. Will I ever know? Is this the guilt that I have to endeavor to make it so I will not make the same mistake twice? Welcome to my desert.
