Do you really think people are who they used to be? How much time must go by before a reputation leaves?

If you are going to post a comment please let me know who you are.

I did it again!!!

I accomplished two more of my goals!! I can now do 240 punches in a minute and 23 up-downs in one minute. I still can’t do the pull up but I am still working on it. Maybe in another month I will be able to do it. We will see but yeah me I can cross off two more of my goals!

woohoo!!!

I hit another goal. I can do 31 sit ups in 1 minute. Go me!

MY FIGHT

I desire what the world tells me I need, yet I don't desire what the world has to offer.

I think I get more clearly in my life what Paul is trying to say here.

Romans 7:15-20

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

I have wanted what the world tells me I need. The world tells me to have the perfect body, to drive the best car/truck, to have the most obedient children, the right house and the best stuff or I am insufficient. And I believe it therefore I want it. Again I have figured out though that it leaves my heart unhappy. If my desires are what the world sees then I am nothing (and I have been feeling like nothing). But if I desire what God wants then I am still nothing but I have everything. And that is what matters here, right?

God, please fill me with you so that I may become what you desire in me. Show me where the world has filled me so I can empty it and be filled with what you want. Give me a heart that desires you and help me to know and live the secret of being content.

to fail or not to fail? what is it?

Well today I hit 2 of my goals and failed at one. I don’t care about the two I hit I just care about the one I didn’t hit. That is the one playing over and over in my head. So the two I hit are I can now rum a mile in 9:12 and I can do 24 pushups in one minute. Doesn’t seem like a lot but I know it is an improvement.

Now to the part where I failed, I can’t do 30 sit ups in one minute. And I have no idea about up-downs or punches. And right now I don’t want to know because I can’t handle failing again today. So I don’t think ill be trying those today. Maybe another day when I feel good about trying I will, but today no.

I have a fear of failing so I would rather not do it at all then risk the fail. So now I decide how my day will be. Will it be about the things I can’t do or the things I can do? Don’t know. Do you?

15%

I have asked Paul to train me and I’m not sure how exactly that is going. Yesterday I felt defeated and overwhelmed. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with anything but none the less I feel that I can’t defeat what it is I want to overcome.

Sunday when I asked Paul to train me he took a set of “vitals”. These vitals will be listed at the end of this. But let’s just say that I found out how weak I really am. I also found out that without an improvement of 15% I am not allowed to weigh myself. I know that is not hard for many people but I have weighed myself daily, and most days more then once a day up to hourly to see how bad/good I was doing. There were days that I did well, and there were days that I did awful. I depended on the scale to let me know if it was going to be a good day or a bad day. If I gained weight it was a bad day I found myself in a pit and all I wanted to do was eat because the scale told me something I didn’t want to hear. “You tried so hard but failed. What are you going to do now? If you already gained weight than what is stopping you form eating that ice cream? Why stop with that? You have failed but have been trying so hard. I guess no matter what this is who you are this is what you are. You are weak, you failed once again.” I got that from a piece of metal with numbers. If the scale said something pleasant it would either drive me to continue or it would allow me to reward myself with nothing else but…you guessed it, the food I had stayed away from to get there. If I have lost the weight then it wouldn’t be that hard to loose it again for this treat (insert your favorite “bad” food here). So you see here that the scale has been a huge part of my life for about 9 years. And now I feel like I can’t function with out it. I need to see how I am progressing. But if I do I will be going against what my trainer wants me to do. And I will be allowing the scale to set my mood for the day. Control.

So here I am I feel like there is no way I can move my vitals from what they are to this 15%. I feel it is too big of a jump for someone like me, someone of a weak fat stature. I know what I am feeling is wrong but I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to be happy with “me”. I find myself thinking that if I could reach this goal then I would be ok with myself. But I find myself miserable because I know what it takes to stay there and I don’t feel as if I have the stamina to eat salads at every meal and no red meat and no chocolate and no, and no, and no… you get my point. And if I eat them there is no stopping the beast that lives in me. Here I am open, venerable and feeling defeated before I get my foot out the door. Can I make it?


Vitals 5/23/09
Weight: 214
1 mile: 10:50
Push ups (girl): 20/50 sec
Pull ups: 0
Sit ups /min: 26
Punches/ min: 175
Up downs/ min: 16
Toe touch: I can’t but I’m 6” from them
Splits: cant do I am 2’ from ground

15% improvement would be

1 mile 9:2?
Push ups 23/50 sec
Pull ups 1
Sit ups 30/min
Punches 202/min
Up downs 19
Toe touch 5”
Splits

HELP ME! I'VE FALLEN.

Today I am facing my worst enemy and best friend and telling them they are not welcome in my life anymore. My enemy has been my best friend at times but always brings me to my own destruction when I let her tell me what it is I think I want to hear. Why is it always the one you knew would always be there is the one you need to get rid of? I have been talking to my amazing husband about her and he thinks that I also need to finally be rid of her and only in my scheduling is she ever going to be gone (I also hate to schedule. A piece of paper that holds what I do in a day gives too much power to a piece of paper. YUCK!). I have to do though what will be best for my family. And that is having me around for a long time. The enemy I fight is my reliance on food to make everything better. If I am having a bad day chocolate will be there. If I feel like no one is listening a nice caramel frapachino will be there to take in my pain. A nice piece of steak is a great reward for just about anything.

I love food well not just any food but great food. I am surrounded by it. I am here to be the beneficiary of all great cooking. Who can pass up a meal that tastes so good? Who can pass up that cake on your child’s birthday “because it will hurt their feelings if I don’t eat it”? Our society is built around food and it sucks. Any meeting you go to and there is food. Is there a date out there that you can go on where they don’t serve you food? I have been trying to get together with friends for different occasions and where is there to go besides Starbucks that you can sit and “meet” with someone whether it is for counseling or just a place to catch up on what is going on. When you want to take someone out to talk where is the first place you think of? Does it involve food? Do we go places because with food so that we don’t always have to have an awkward silence? We can just be eating. I don’t know of any meeting that I attend that doesn’t revolve the meeting around a large platter of food.

Today I give my gluttony to the only one who can take it from me. God. Do I need to say more? Should we have it over a 1200 calorie caramel frap? I think not.

God, help me to give all that I am to you. Today I give you my enemy that has held me for so long. Help me to be the wife and mother you want me to be. Help my body be a temple for you to dwell in and it not be a breeding ground for fat. Take all that is wrong and allow it to be made hole and pure. Let this body be healthy so that I can live a long life glorifying you and teaching my girls not to walk in my steps that I have followed for so many years. Let me learn to lean on you and not on the things that I think will fill what it is I am feeling. Let your love be enough, let you be enough in my life.

the song in my ears

Things that I can normally handle lately I have not been able to handle so well.

My ears ring all the time, sometimes they change pitch but I can’t get the ringing to stop. It bugs me to no end that for 5 years now I have not heard a moment of silence. For most you can turn off the TV, get into bed and hear pure nothing (well maybe your spouse snoring)…not me I hear a ringing or humming tone. Not just any tone, the type when they give you a hearing test tone but it is not a beep it is constant.

This condition was blessed to me on a trip home from a girl’s weekend. And as far as I can see in my little finite life God is allowing me to continue with this. I know all who read this think that it is no big deal but believe me it becomes one when you have a headache or all you have heard all day is noise, noise, noise, but all you want to hear is nothing. I want to hear silence, I want to lay down in my bed close my eyes and hear just the wind blowing through the bushes and scratching them on my window. I want to be able to enjoy little noises rather then noises having to be louder then the ringing in my ears.

But for now I will sit hear and listen to the songs in my ears!.