15%

I have asked Paul to train me and I’m not sure how exactly that is going. Yesterday I felt defeated and overwhelmed. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with anything but none the less I feel that I can’t defeat what it is I want to overcome.

Sunday when I asked Paul to train me he took a set of “vitals”. These vitals will be listed at the end of this. But let’s just say that I found out how weak I really am. I also found out that without an improvement of 15% I am not allowed to weigh myself. I know that is not hard for many people but I have weighed myself daily, and most days more then once a day up to hourly to see how bad/good I was doing. There were days that I did well, and there were days that I did awful. I depended on the scale to let me know if it was going to be a good day or a bad day. If I gained weight it was a bad day I found myself in a pit and all I wanted to do was eat because the scale told me something I didn’t want to hear. “You tried so hard but failed. What are you going to do now? If you already gained weight than what is stopping you form eating that ice cream? Why stop with that? You have failed but have been trying so hard. I guess no matter what this is who you are this is what you are. You are weak, you failed once again.” I got that from a piece of metal with numbers. If the scale said something pleasant it would either drive me to continue or it would allow me to reward myself with nothing else but…you guessed it, the food I had stayed away from to get there. If I have lost the weight then it wouldn’t be that hard to loose it again for this treat (insert your favorite “bad” food here). So you see here that the scale has been a huge part of my life for about 9 years. And now I feel like I can’t function with out it. I need to see how I am progressing. But if I do I will be going against what my trainer wants me to do. And I will be allowing the scale to set my mood for the day. Control.

So here I am I feel like there is no way I can move my vitals from what they are to this 15%. I feel it is too big of a jump for someone like me, someone of a weak fat stature. I know what I am feeling is wrong but I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know how to be happy with “me”. I find myself thinking that if I could reach this goal then I would be ok with myself. But I find myself miserable because I know what it takes to stay there and I don’t feel as if I have the stamina to eat salads at every meal and no red meat and no chocolate and no, and no, and no… you get my point. And if I eat them there is no stopping the beast that lives in me. Here I am open, venerable and feeling defeated before I get my foot out the door. Can I make it?


Vitals 5/23/09
Weight: 214
1 mile: 10:50
Push ups (girl): 20/50 sec
Pull ups: 0
Sit ups /min: 26
Punches/ min: 175
Up downs/ min: 16
Toe touch: I can’t but I’m 6” from them
Splits: cant do I am 2’ from ground

15% improvement would be

1 mile 9:2?
Push ups 23/50 sec
Pull ups 1
Sit ups 30/min
Punches 202/min
Up downs 19
Toe touch 5”
Splits